The first time I saw him in my dreams after waiting for ages in the real world, it was all too real.
I was asking mum to give me something from the kitchen cabinet, like we were preparing for some kind of gathering and all and she was rattling through the spaces to find stuff.
Then suddenly, I saw him sitting on the couch in the middle of our hall getting up, looking weak and pale yet sweet and beautiful like he always does. We instantly became happy to see him get up like he's been waking up from a great slumber. He smiled when he saw our faces relieved and calm as we were looking at him, I offered him breakfast and he wasn't being funny about skipping it like he always used to do, I was happy that he was eating again properly and wants to get back healthy.
I helped him to our bedroom, and he sat comfortably on the bed, folding his legs, looking like he was about to give me all the tiny details of his whole day like he usually did earlier. I copied him and sat in front of him, gently stroking his head, admiring how beautiful he is, From his appearance, I felt that he had become leaner and he had probably even lost some weight, but as this thought passed through my mind, he hugged me as he used to and I hugged him back, smiling ear to ear.
It was peaceful and nice and comforting all at the same time, He was comforting, his embrace was peaceful, and his fingers brushing my hair were gentle as ever. Everything was perfect in there. I also saw my grumpy grandfather passing by the doorway and having a subtle smile on his face as he saw us. At that moment, I didn't care about anything in the world. I was holding my Love again like before I can't remember the last time, I hugged him like that I can't remember the last time he ate properly enjoying the food, it's like he woke up from the illness and will be himself again, the fierce one as I was still embracing I thought this where I'm happy I can happily die at this very moment I won't complain my love was there he was fucking there right in front of me. This is the best, everything is best I thought as I was still holding him this close to me as he was still having his chin over my head and I was listening to his heartbeat. No words, nothing but all the forgotten conversations between us it's like we were living them all again and then......
the alarm went off...
I don't want to live here, I can go back to that dream. I can live there forever. He is there not here. My everything is there not here. I am a mess. I looked around the room frantically even though I knew I'm hopeless doing so, the slightest thought of not having him here is unbearable. I don't want this life when he's not around He's such an important reason for my life. I don't want to use his name in the past. I want to use it in the present and that I can do in the land of dreams.
I can live there forever with him with everyone I can hold him there, talk to him , see him eating well , and see him playing with our puppies whom he loved . Why can't I go back?
I woke up, and I regretted it the second I did. I wanted to throw my phone across the room the beautiful melody that woke me up I wanted to erase it from everywhere. It took me away from the person I loved it brought me back to reality. I don't want reality, I want him and I want him well I want him to be OK.
The only way I was looking at him is now gone and I don't even know when I'll see him again.
I hope I do soon and often, but I'm also fucking scared that it's just a glimpse of what he's like. I can love him there as much as I want but if I ever wake up I'll be filled with so much pain and will suffer the reality like I'm doing right now.
I'll cry my eyes out like I'm doing right now.
I'll be in pain by the memories of the past like I'm in right now.
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